the lagniappe

From its perch, the bird shakes its head from left to right, flaps its wings and bellows its call.

Envision my delight and the small yelp of joy that escaped my lips on the semi-crowded subway train as I peeled back the full page front and back SNY Mets ad on the AM NY morning commuter newspaper to find this!

Maybe I should explain a bit more in which ways this is exciting to me.  First things first, I'm automatically going to love anything that's suggesting striking terror in the strawberry-sized*⁰ hearts of the pigeons of my city.  Secondly, this struck me as a headline you might be more likely to see in the onion rather than a slightly reputable mini-paper.  Third-most, I luckily read past the headline and onto the article because it only gets better.

Really the whole article is wonderful and worth the read but to save you from having to sort through it for the gems...Excerpts!

The idea of using robotic hawks in New York was floated last fall in Councilman Simcha Felder's report about what he views as a citywide pigeon problem.  Felder (D-Brooklyn) is proposing a bill that would fine people $1,000 for feeding the birds and would create a "pigeon czar" to be responsible for pigeon-related matters, such as cleanup.

Personally, I've been trying to make citizens arrests on people feeding birds, but I suppose slapping them with a hefty fine will do.  Additionally, people are going to be lined up around the block for this pigeon czar position, what a wonderful compliment that would be to any resume.  Let's assume that "cleanup" would entail hand-polishing bird-crap laden statues, park benches, and innocent bystanders.  Stuff these comments in your memory bank, and let's carry on. 

The city's health department did not comment directly about the possible use of robotic hawks but said pigeons do not pose a health risk to the public.

 File this away as well, because there's a big contradiction coming up in about two sentences.

Municipalities have rarely resorted to robots, with Liverpool, England, last year becoming one of the company's few and highest-profile customers.  Liverpool purchased 10 of the $4,200 Robops^*1 , made in Scotland and designed to look, act and sound like peregrine falcons.

Not the contradiction yet, but apparently the robots are actually not hawks, rather falcons.  I think they made a good call in the headline though because "Robohawks" sounds way better and less potentially offensive than "Robofalcs".

Big finish.

"Spending $50,000 to get rid of a problem that is a health hazard and is disgusting is a small price to pay," Felder said.

Clearly, the Brooklyn-based democratic party line is that, regardless of what the city health department says, the flying rats to propose a health hazard.  City health idiots, what do they know?  Also of note, New York's rampant pigeon problem can allegedly be taken down by a fleet of  11.9047619 robo-falcs (let's call them what they really are).  Those are going to be some hard working falcers considering that Manhattan alone is 4478 acres  or 22.6 sq. mi. (fact)

I think I speak for most New Yorkers in standing behind Felder in agreement that the pigeons are disgusting, especially those with a clubbed foot, clipped wing, or half beak, and don't even get me started on the white and brown ones ("I just threw up in my mouth" said Felder). 

If this pigeon annihilation initiative ever passes God-speed and pip-pip*² to you Pigeon Czar and valiant Robofalc fleet.  The people of New York salute you!

*⁰ Strawberry-sized: one of those smallish strawberries found growing naturally, maybe even organic strawberries, definitely not one of those gargantuan berries prime for chocolate dipping.  this comparison is based on my 6th grade pigeon dissecting experience.  

*¹ Robops: It's unclear whether the, bird-bots are actually called Robops or if that's just a type-o.

*² Pip-pip: While I'm pretty sure I've misused this brit statement, I could care less as I think it sounds good in the context.